last night

a massage saved my life!

he is not answering or: short panik attack inbetween

he is not answering my txt message! and he did not kiss me passionately in public last weekend but rather only distributed shallow kisses on my cheeks and only one on my lips – after a moment’s hesitation. maybe he is not interested in me anymore?

was he only re-acting to my behaviour (i was off balance myself, exhausted and stressed)? or would he feel embarrassed to kiss me in public? or is he not interested in me anymore??

maybe i was too shy, appeared too cool so i chased him away? maybe i was too quiet so he got bored with me? maybe my english was too terrible which he considered as not being adequate? maybe he is not interested in me anymore???

am i interested in him?
yes.
but i need more reassurance from him. otherwise i will become even more shy and more quiet. i want to be kissed passionately in public. i want to hold hands with him – not always, just sometimes, to feel ‚safe’.

ok, he did invite me to his place. he did buy coffee especially for me. he made breakfast. he kissed me passionately in bed. he is very caring in bed. he kissed me in the morning. he played me a bit of his music. he showed me pictures. he asked me to meet again on sunday. he carried my bag almost all the way of our walk. he asked me to be informed on my next return to berlin. maybe he is still interested in me. ..?

later:...i asked (kind of). everything is fine. nothing to worry about he said.

two months later:...nothing is fine. i am now unhappy in love. with him. and he is not. in love. with me.

three months later:...how could i assume my english is terrible?!? i must have been out of my mind.

i have fallen in love with the city of prague

replaying in my mind now its humm on the lazy summer weekend sitting on a hill in the early evening sun looking down enjoying the place we stumbled upon and the glittering roof tops below.